The best compliment I've ever received?  Hmmm. 

There's this guy I've been in love with for the past 5 years, and his feelings for me have never faltered (from what I see).  But because of my own personal choices, we haven't gotten back together.  I just remember one daywhile we were cuddling on the cough, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You really are beautiful, you know?  Whether you believe me or not."  He added  that extra line because I had opened my mouth to protest.  But the look he gave me as he said that made that the best & most memorable compliment regardless of how corny this story was :)

It's nearly 11PM and I'm having a hard time convincing myself to go lay down.  I know when I do, I'll start thinking about everything that happened today.  I'm bound to let the water-works come.  I was considering going on you tube and watching Sailor Moon episodes for the hell of it again.  I don't care if it is little kid-ish, I still love Sailor Moon.  But I don't think it'll help me with my mood much.  

I have to wake up semi-early tomorrow.  Early enough to shower, find an outfit, fix my hair, and do my make up before 9.  My mom wants me to drive around for 2 hours to get some driving practice in.  I honestly think she's the worst person to drive with.  You shouldn't drive when you're pissed off and stuff, right?  Well she makes me want to just drive right into the center divider sometimes.  She can be such a bitch.  Ugh.  She makes me panic when I'm driving.  "No texting while driving." Duh, bitch.  I've seen the way you drive while you're fucking texting, I know better. Anywayyy...

I think I'll just read for a while until it hurts to keep my eyes open. 

So far I've only been complaining about my boyfriend.  A few hours ago I sort of... broke up with him.  But it happened so fast, I didn't even think about it.  He kept hanging up on me and I grew more and more pissed off.  So finally I said "You hang up again, it's over."  He knew me better than that and asked, "Swear?"  I said "No."  But we ended up arguing again which resulted in him hanging up again.  That just drove me insane.  I called him back, he picked up, and before I could register what I was doing I said "I told you if you hang up again, it's over." And I hung up.  I sat there in total shock with myself.  I kept thinking Did I just end it? No..right? Oh my god. I was growing hysterical.  And so I went and thought Well if he cares, he'll come back.  Instead, he texted me saying "Okay. Bye."  I threw a fit.

Anyway, I can go on about this. But I'll fast forward for now.  We're still together.  But now that I ended it, he doesn't believe I love him anymore.  He keeps saying "If you love me, you wouldn't have ended it." I don't know how to respond. I do love him.  But at the same time I expected him to show he cared if I ended it or not.  I never intended to end it.  But I just really fucked up this time.

WHAT OPRAH WINFREY HAS TO SAY ABOUT MEN

If a man wants you, NOTHING can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, NOTHING can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more, nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two-way street. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage.. deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.Right. Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful : (Dr Phil) They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them. You should know that you're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone. And if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one. They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one.

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.

Ladies (and gentlemen), take care of your own hearts....

I got up from bed at about 11 AM.  Fairly late.  It's interesting since I've been slightly awake since 5.   I've been thinking about writing a story a lot lately.  But I just never have the motivation.  I don't have much motivation in the first place.  But occasionally I can see the story playing in my head like a movie.  After those few seconds, it erases from my mind and I have no idea what had happened.  It's weird.

I'm nearly 18 and I still don't have my license.  I'm longing for it.  It's my fault of course.  I was too damn lazy to get my permit when I was 15 1/2, so I waited till I was 17 1/2.  What the hell.  Well, I can get it by July.  If I'm too lazy, then in September when I'm 18.  But that would be pathetic since I should be working and in college by then.

I hate my room.  Whenever I'm about to enter, I stop at the doorway, look around, and make a face.  I hate the layout.  I hate the furniture (except my bed frame from Ikea =] ), and my uncle told my grandparents that I should have there mini-refrigerator.   So yesterday I came from from the chinese restaurant, and BAM. I walk in to see thing huge white thing next to my TV.  Like I needed more things to take up whatever walking space I have left in this room!

Anyway, I was thinking about acting like a kid again and watching Sailor Moon on youtube. Ha.

Well, I'll just complain about my life just like I intended to do with this Live Journal.

My boyfriend and I got into another fight.  You see, I'm not perfect.  I have anger issues, jealousy issues, trust issues, family issues, financial issues, and relationship issues.  I can't control my emotions at all.  My boyfriend can do the slightest thing wrong and I'll just blow off.  But I'll start off with this; he enjoys playing video games.  He's a major nerd.  He can play for hours (or so I've been told). I honestly think he's doing other stuff and he's lying about playing games all the time.  See, trust issue.  Back to my point, he likes playing games.  And he keeps playing even if we're talking on the phone.  This was happening again last night and he wouldn't respond for a few seconds just so that he could type to whoever he was chatting with.  This ticked me off.  And yet, he kept doing it.  One, I was already irritated that he was playing that damned game.  Two, when he would reply he wouldn't know what I was saying so clearly not paying attention.  So when I started getting mad and cussed, he started yelling back and cussing at me!  And what I hate is how he would bring up things that would happen in the past.  It's not fair.  I love him, yet I can never go through a day without thinking to myself "I fucking hate him!"  

Oh yeah, he lives in Kentucky.  And I live in California.  He's turning 16 in April, I'm turning 18 in September.  Maybe it's our differences that cause us to fight so much.  Or maybe it's our past.  Maybe it's because we can never see other?  That we plan to see other next summer knowing that the odds are against us?

Or is it that he doesn't feel the same way that I feel for him?  Lately I've been doubting his feelings.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like he loves me.  I honestly think he's losing interest in me if he ever had any in the first place.

He used to run back all the time.  I used to hang up when we fought and he'd call back, even if the fight started because of me.  And now, he never does.  He hangs up on me.  He yells at me.  He cusses at me.  And I realize now that I've taken his actions before for granted.  Now I always have to run back.  I'm always crying.

Anyway, we're fine now. But I'll see how today ends up.